Dear diary: Selfishness
by Lady Queria
Summary: An entry out of Canada's diary.


Dear diary

I've been pretty busy the past several months so I haven't been able to make an entry, but things are almost at a standstill now so I have time. I've actually had a lot of time to myself recently, and that has given me a lot of time to think about what I've been going through...it's actually made me a little depressed, but...I should probably clue you in on what I am talking about before I make a conclusion. Well here's how I will start:

People might think that always being ignored could lead to depression. When I talk to them about it they say things like, "Oh, I couldn't live like that", then they fall silent. They are trying to keep their next thoughts quiet, but I've been in this situations enough times that I know what they are thinking: the possibility of suicide. I suppose the crushing depression they think I suffer from could lead to that, but they don't understand. Yes, it hurts when those you want to be around and the ones you care for don't, or can't, hear the words you say. Yes it hurts when they leave without me, or when they never meet my eyes, never even notice. Yeah, it hurts; but the thing is, I am used to it.

It hurt a lot at first, nights where I would beg them to hear me, then cry myself asleep because they didn't. There were times when I would shout at them to listen to me only to be snapped out not to shout, that I was interrupting them. When hurt and defeated I would finally give up and walk away, they would finally notice I was upset they would be confused and try to ask me what was wrong, but after half an hour of trying to get their attention I was to hurt to actually acknowledge them. I fell silent. Was there a point to talking if no one would hear me?

When people mistake me for my brother, Instead of taking advantage of the situation and pretending to be him, to just have a conversation, I correct them; because if they think I am him, then they are still not talking to me.

Things changed when I met Prussia. For once, someone talked to me, heard me speak, and not once did he ever think I was Al. He was kind to me and he cared about me. I felt so happy to be held in his arms. He wanted to know what I was thinking so I got in the habit of just talking to him.

That was probably my problem. Now that I was in the habit of talking, I'd talk about anything that came to mind. He probably has gotten too used to my voice. Now occasionally I will talk to him and he won't hear me. He's not cruel, so I know he isn't ignoring me on purpose so I can't get mad. But since it's not his fault the only one left to blame is me. I took advantage of his attention and now I don't think I have it anymore. I don't want to be selfish and demand his attention, not that I could.

Once again people might add up the different angsts of my life and wonder why I am not suicidal. It's because I am not selfish. Despite the fact that Prussia sometimes can't see me, I know he still cares about me. I can't deny that when no one sees me I don't think "Well maybe you all will finally notice that I am was here when I am gone. Will you regret that you didn't see me? You don't know what you have until it's gone after all." but I know that people would miss me after I am gone. They would hurt, they would be sad, and they would probably blame themselves.

Right now they are happy, they smile. Sure they don't notice me, but they are happy right? Why would I take that away from them? Occasionally Prussia will look at me and notice the hurt in my eyes and will ask what's wrong, but what can I say? If I tell him that I feel ignored then he will be hurt and worried and that will weigh on him, but I want him to be happy. So I will smile, I'm good at faking a smile. I do so everyday. And I tell him it's nothing. I'm just tired. While I am sure at first he isn't convinced, I yawn and he excepts it. Maybe he will throw an arm around me or give me a hug before he goes back to his video games. I don't want him to find out after all. I don't want him to be unhappy on account of me after all. I'm not selfish.

All I can say for certain is that life changes. I really loved the period of time I had with Prussia's attention, and things might change for the better. I'll stop typing for now, because I think I have done all I can for tonight. i guess if anything changes you will know about it.

Until next time.

* * *

AN: I wrote this up while on a car ride, I thought about breaking it up and actually writing scenes for the things Canada mentions, turning this more into a multi-chaptered story, but I decided it was worked more as a Diary entry then anything else. Let me know what you think. Would you rather it be a story or do you like the diary idea?

Any suggestions for Canada? I'm sure he would like to hear them.


End file.
